Three effective ways to set boundaries at home and at work (without causing friction)
Apply these today to protect your personal space
Hello friend! đ
Welcome to this weekâs Super Sunday newsletter.
Today Iâd like to invite you to a topic we donât often consider, or at the very least may feel awkward establishing.
Boundaries.
These boundaries are critical in maintaining a healthy personal space, which inevitably impacts your wellbeing.
But not only that; they are also critical for a healthy and supportive relationship whether at home or at work.
Yet, to set boundaries, the work starts from within us before establishing them with others.
Letâs dive straight in!
Build personal integrity
We tend to think of boundaries as barriers we âexpect othersâ to respect and work with.
However, the hard truth is that our boundaries start deep inside our internal system.
You see, what you donât accept from yourself you naturally wonât accept from anyone else. And vice-versa.
So, the boundaries you set between you and yourself become the maximum possible boundaries you get to request from others.
Letâs take an example:
If you continuously play the victim/villain drama between you and yourself, it is natural that you are made a victim (or disregarded) by someone else.
This can be expectation to stay late at work, or âsacrifice moreâ for the family, for example.
If you do not keep your commitments to yourself, you lose trust in yourself and naturally allow when someone starts to lose trust in you.
With personal integrity, like a building with high integrity that can withstand challenges, you become stronger and build confidence.
It is no surprise that the etymology of confidence is from the Latin word confidere meaning intense trust.
Intense trust in who? In YOURSELF.
Life Application:
Survey your current commitments to yourself; where have you not been showing up when you said you will?
It doesnât have to be anything major, it may be your workout routine, or a reading habit. Whatever it is, start with asking how you can fulfill this commitment and build that trust with yourself. (Making it small yet consistent counts!)
Know your values
It is very easy for someoneâs boundaries to be crossed when they arenât actually defined to start with.
Seems logical, but surprisingly not a lot of people truly know their values.
What ends up happening is realizing boundaries have been crossed AFTER the damage has been done.
And thatâs okay in most cases, since we learn and explore through experience, but in cases where the damage is deep and irreversible it can be very costly and painful.
This is where mindfulness and spending time to reflect can be life-changing.
To build insight through personal inquiry on what truly motivates you. What you hold deep and dear to the identity that defines you at your best.
Bring curiosity (one of Da Vinciâs seven principles on living a good life) and explore internally.
The outcome of this inquiry becomes a deep connection with yourself so you can show up and live authentically.
Insight is powerful!
In ancient Greece there was a man who went around telling people to examine their lives and explore their true values. He was found guilty of âcorrupting the minds of the youngâ and was forced to carry out his own execution.
His name was Socrates.
He is very well known to have said âThe unexamined life is not worth living.â
Life Application:
You can reflect through journaling, visualizations, or even conversations with someone you know wonât judge you.
Prompts that can help:
What attitudes do you show up with when you are at your best?
What attitudes do you admire in someone you consider a role model?
What are your signature strengths? (Remember those? đ shoot me a reply if youâd like a refresher)
Communicate effectively
Once youâve done the work within, then (and only then) it is time to communicate.
The reality is when you operate from a space of confidence, you operate from a space of wholeness and abundance.
This naturally shows in the way you show up, how you carry yourself, and the verbal as well as non-verbal signals you communicate with.
Inevitably, people around you will know where your boundaries may be and will respect those.
AND
In the event those are crossed, youâll find that communicating effectively is easy when you already are confident.
However, even if confident, we all are susceptible to the tyranny of âExpectationsâ.
Expectations are not a form of communication.
Unless we develop the impossible skill to read each otherâs minds, the best way to communicate is through respectful, compassionate, and supportive conversations.
The old fashioned way đ.
Especially to people with whom we share our lives.
Instead of expectations, these conversations generates agreements; where each otherâs integrity is kept intact and respected.
Life Application
If you feel the need to have a conversation with your partner (or boss) about boundaries you feel are being crossed, make sure you have covered the first two points above.
When it comes to engaging remember to bring kindness, respect, and open-mindedness to the conversation so you create a win-win for both.
This brings me to the end of this weekâs post.
I hope you continue to find value from these.
Have a Super Sunday! đȘ
With much joy,
Hashim
Whenever youâre ready, here are few other ways I can help you:
Sign up to the FREE 90-min Awareness Strengthening Workshop, if youâre curious about the science-backed benefits of mindfulness.
Book 1:1 coaching with me, Iâm currently offering limited spots pro-bono as part of my Masterâs in Applied Positive Psychology accreditation program.
I like the part where you talk about the Latin origin of confidence and how it means intense trust with yourself and not others. I also liked how you then related it with the idea that even when confident, we are all vulnerable to expectations. Many people, me included, have found ourselves expecting people to understand our boundaries and emotions, so this article is a good reminder that old fashion communication is the best communication :)